


Not The Way It's Supposed To Be

by getyourfaceoutofmyface



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up Era, M/M, So much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-30 07:17:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15746937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/getyourfaceoutofmyface/pseuds/getyourfaceoutofmyface
Summary: Robert wondered sometimes if it had been this way for Aaron all those years ago. Another lifetime ago really, more or less. If Aaron would sit staring at his phone, because there was a chance a text would come. Three simple words that meant you’d be able to breathe again, at least for a little while.I got away.(This is the result of me rewatching the Break Up Era)





	Not The Way It's Supposed To Be

Robert wondered sometimes if it had been this way for Aaron all those years ago. Another lifetime ago really, more or less. If Aaron would sit staring at his phone, because there was a chance a text would come. Three simple words that meant you’d be able to breathe again, at least for a little while.

_I got away._

He lived for those words. Didn’t matter if it was the middle of the day or the middle of the night. Those words would fill Robert with anticipation and hope. Hope for more than just a few stolen minutes or treasured hours. Just a few before he was gone again.

Robert wondered if he’d ever had shame in his eyes when he left Aaron behind in the barn. He’d feign sleep sometimes so Aaron could slip away and he wouldn’t have to see the regret mixed with confusion and want reflected in pools of blue.

He never pushed. Never pried. What they had was so delicate and Robert was selfish. He knew that. If this was all of Aaron that he could have he would take it. Robert would grasp onto it as tightly as he could. He didn’t want to give Aaron any reason to take away what little he offered.

It had started on the anniversary of their wedding. Rob had slipped into the garage, buzzed and so fucking sad he was drowning under the weight of it. He had been surprised to see Aaron standing there, a sheen of tears in his eyes. 

The undeniable force that existed between them pulsed loud and sharp. Then Aaron was pressed against a car just like their first time and it was heedy and frantic and soul shattering. 

They hadn’t said a word. Just made love with a desperation to have the other feel what they knew they could give. What only existed in the world of their making. What only they could create.

Still in every moan and slide of hands Robert knew what this was. Had to bite his lip from telling Aaron how much he loved him. How much he missed him. How no one could ever be more than this, them.

He’d let go first after they caught their breath, needing the self preservation from what was to come. The rustle of clothes and the slide of zippers was the only sound. Aaron looked at him. His eyes said everything.

_This was a mistake._

_I can’t._

_Robert._

He let Aaron leave then. The warmth of Aaron’s skin burned into his fingertips.

A few days later he saw the new happy family of Liv, Alex and Aaron having dinner at the Woolpack. Aaron glanced over Robert like he was nothing, just another body drinking a pint.

Robert knew he’d done that before. Times he’d kissed Chrissie or whispered sweet nothings in her ear with his lover just a few feet away. Had it broken Aaron’s heart like it was breaking Robert’s? Had it made him want to curl into blackness and never wake up?

Instead Robert drank one too many and watched Aaron’s new life walk out the door. He could feel the sting of tears in his eyes and again his reflex was to run. He found himself leaning over the bathroom sink. Gulping breaths of air to ease the ache in his chest. 

The door opened and Aaron was there, eyes filled with questions and apologies and need. It was only a few minutes of lips and tongues, the press of Robert into the wall. Hips moulding together from memory. Then Aaron was gone but it had been enough. Robert could breathe again.

A few days later Robert was all nerves when he stepped into the portacabin. They’d had a tentative friendship before this. What with their past and every stupid mistake Robert had ever made hanging over their heads like an anvil. 

He’d barely made in the door when Aaron was on him. Flipping the lock, hands clutching at Robert, words spoken for the first time like this.

_I want you Robert._

Robert let them imprint in his mind. The wanton way Aaron said it. The need. Because this was all he had. Aaron on his knees before him, tongue savouring as Robert ran his hand through the soft hair on Aaron’s head. 

Aaron bent over the desk, hands bracing against the wood, paper flung on the floor. He demanded it harder, faster, more.

_Come on Rob, please._

And he’d never deny him, never deny Aaron anything ever again. This time it was Robert who had to survive on empty unspoken promises and the memory of how it could be.

It happened all the time now, wherever they could make it happen. Months of it. Stolen make out sessions in the portacabin. A rough go in their old barn, hay digging into Robert’s hands. Always hard and fast, Aaron preferring they never do it face to face. Always turning away, offering up everything and nothing at the same time. Robert would squeeze his eyes shut, imaging the pleasure he knew was lighting up Aaron's eyes. Pretended the love he had demolished was still shining out for him.

He wanted to ask Aaron why. Wanted to know how he could sleep beside Alex every night after washing Robert off his skin.

Did he ache like Robert used to? When the night crept late and Chrissie there, softly breathing beside him. Only then would he let himself admit what Aaron meant to him. The constant ache and want that went beyond sex, beyond reason. How he’d make plans of running away together. Finding some place where Robert would magically be okay with being who he really was. Who he could finally be with Aaron.

Did he wake up and shake it all off with the light of morning? Pretend the nightly thoughts hadn’t existed and plastered a smile on his face? Did he wonder if any of it was worth it in the end?

Robert should have known that this one would change everything. Aaron had texted him a time and an address, a hotel just far enough away that no one would ever know. He hated the fact that he was excited. A bed and walls and Aaron to himself. 

There had been tenderness on Aaron’s face when Robert walked in. It felt like the last year hadn’t happened, like they were still madly in love and believed they could take on anything. Together.

They striped each other slowly. Let their hands move soft and lazy. Tender kisses that went on forever, wet and tongue and memories. Fingers locked together and pressed into the mattress.

Face to face Robert entered him and it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen, that light in Aaron’s eyes. Blue skies of joy and bliss and love shone bright. He drew it out as long as he could, because it was all too good to be true and he couldn’t fathom losing it. Not again.

He relished when Aaron came twice, whimpering need and desperate moans of satisfaction. It blinded Robert, the force of it, like nothing he’d thought he could feel again. He let himself sleep, tangled limbs and Aaron’s hands drawing lazy circles on his back. The feel of lips to his temple. The knowledge that something had changed but he didn’t know what.

Robert woke up alone, the smell of Aaron on the pillow but no warmth left in the sheets. This had been goodbye. He curled into a ball and wept, sobs more painful than the first time. Than every time since then. Because he’d allowed himself to hope and Robert should have known better.

He avoided Aaron as the days went on and he heard nothing from him. He stayed away from the Woolpack and focused on Seb. But he knew he couldn’t keep it up forever. Even he couldn’t deny that simply just seeing Aaron across a room would ease the thudding constant pain.

He was sitting at his desk when Aaron came in, a shocked expression on his face. Like Aaron thought Rob would have just disappeared after their last time in each other’s arms. Like goodbye would have vaporized Robert from existence. 

But then he noticed the flash of metal on Aaron's finger and something inside him cracked beyond repair.

“You’re going to marry him?”

It came out like a whisper, like a plea.

“Robert…”

“I love you Aaron. You love me.”

“I can’t…”

“You can’t do this to me. Please.”

“You did it to me once too you know.”

Robert locked eyes with him then. It was like the Aaron he loved was gone. Because he would never have been this spiteful before. Would Robert never stop destroying the good in all the people he loved?

“I am sorry Aaron, I am sorry if I was ever as cruel to you in all our years as you are being to me right now.”

He saw Aaron wince at that, wished he could take some joy in scoring that point. Wished he could reach through the infinite space between them. Wished he could cradle Aaron’s face in his palms like he had the right to, like it was wanted.

Because this was Aaron. It would always be Aaron. It always had been. Robert got up and stormed out the door. The love of his life just let him go.

The next few weeks killed him in new torturous ways. He watched the village look at him with pity at his husband moved on. Saw Liv give him a soft smile in the Woolpack that seemed genuine. Noticed curious looks from Chas behind the bar.

But he couldn’t give any of them the satisfaction. Wouldn’t fall apart in ways any of them could see. He had the power to blow Aaron’s new life to pieces if he wanted. But it wouldn’t make Aaron choose Robert, not in the way he wanted. Not in the only way that would matter.

Occasionally he would notice the tension between Aaron and Alex the few times he saw them together. He thought maybe he was imagining it, willing himself to see unhappiness in the way they stood apart. How they never seemed to touch, or show affection. How Aaron’s eyes looked hollow and blank.

He worked from home, only going to the scrapyard late at night when he knew no one would be there. He’d grab the papers he needed and try to make a quick exit. Sometimes he’d let his fingers brush against Aaron’s desk. Let memories of sweat and sweetness wash over him.

He was standing there now, small smile on his face because even the bad had been so beautifully good between them. His phone buzzed and his heart stopped at the message.

_I need to see you. The Mill? Now?_

Had he been a stronger man he would have ignored it. He would have deleted Aaron’s number weeks ago. He wouldn’t let his heart hope again for a little piece of the man he loved, just enough to get him by.

He didn’t respond but he drove faster than was safe to the familiar glowing windows and solid doors. The porch light like a beacon guiding him into safe waters. The gravel under his feet loud in the cold silent night.

He didn’t bother to knock, just opened the door like he had the right. Maybe he would always feel like he did.

Aaron was sitting on the couch, hunched over, staring at the phone in his hands. He stood up, made to move towards Robert but than stopped himself. He looked just as stunned as Robert felt.

“I ended it with him.”

“Why?”

“Because it was only bearable when I had you too.”

Robert’s breath was shaky but he nodded his head, that was a feeling he understood. It hadn’t been fair to Chrissie. Wasn’t fair to Alex. Didn’t make it any less true.

“What do you want Aaron?”

“You. You’re all I’ve ever wanted Robert.”

“I can’t do this again Aaron. It has to be everything. I can’t take the pieces that you’re willing to share. I can’t survive without all of you.”

“You have it Robert. You always did.”

“Liv?”

“She knows. She’s hopeful you’ll come home.”

The ache in his chest started to unfurl and he felt tears in his eyes.

“Your Mom? Paddy?”

“Told me to stop being an idiot and go for what I really wanted.”

They started moving towards each other, that ever present thread pulling tighter around them.

“Seb?”

Aaron stopped then, searched Robert’s face, forced him by sheer will to meet his eyes.

“One day I might just love him more than I love his father. If you’ll let me.”

The thread snapped and they were in each other’s arms. Foreheads pressed together, breathing in each other, melding over the broken cracks that had laid open too long.

“I am so sorry Aaron”

“Me too Robert, me too.”

“I love you so much.”

“I love you more.”

Robert had never experienced coming home before. Had never had a home before Aaron, his wild and safe place, where he could be whoever he needed to be. He needed to be himself. He needed to be Aaron’s. He just needed.

In the early morning hours they finally succumbed to sleep. After talking everything over. After making promises to be kept. After vowing in ways they never had before. After making plans and knowing in certainty that this time they’d get it right. After speaking aloud their fears and hopes and wants. After cherishing the press of their skin together in the home Robert had made for them. 

The home he’d made out of wood and steel for the home that beat flesh and blood beside him, arms holding him tight.


End file.
